Dec 28, 2009


There have been better years, and there will be better years.

2009 was a year of inertia. I stayed at the same job, in the same office, making the same salary. I applied and was rejected from my third grad program at the same school. I took the GRE a second time, applied a fourth time. Now I await my fourth rejection. Do I then shoot for a fifth? I don't know; I haven't decided. 2010 will be a year of deciding.

2009 was a year of loss. I don't have many friends, but one of my closest ones watched her mother die of cancer. In July, my parents and I went to New Mexico with my aging grandfather to visit his cousins, his old friends, the town where he grew up, and the graves of his family. By September, his dementia had become so severe that my grandmother left him in a nursing home; in early October he died of a stroke. It seemed all too fast, and his death brought to light such sorry depths of family dysfunction that I can only begin to relate--

2009 was a year of really discovering what ugliness--disownment, betrayal, repression, hypocrisy, a kind of stoic cruelty--lies so near the heart of my family structure.

2009 was a year of reading not enough books, watching not enough movies, seeing not nearly enough of my friends. It was a year of watching too many TV series and paying too much attention to disturbing sociopolitical trends.

2009 was another year of not writing enough, of observing my writing get shittier and shittier. 2010 will be a year of setting that right. (I never meant to abandon this place, and I haven't, not yet, at least not for ever.)

2009 was not a good year, but there will be worse years. It was another year in a stable and happy relationship (5 years and counting). It was a year of good roommates, good health, steady employment, and relatively stable finances (that is, for a grad student and a lowly office worker living in an absurdly expensive city). It was a year of regular exercise and of a shockingly pleasant first meeting between boyfriend and parents. It was a year of good food and not too many hangovers.

But here's to hoping that 2010 will be better.

And I'll be back in 2010. I kinda sorta promise, I think.